Dear Manager,
We have all experienced the failure of a personal or business relationship that, at the time, was very difficult to accept. In my years of business, I have witnessed the failure of some very strong and valuable relationships for what seemed to be all the wrong reasons. We have probably also walked away from what had, at one time, been relationships that were very valuable to us. Times change, needs change … expectations change as well!

From a purely emotional perspective, it can be much easier to walk away than to try to save a relationship that is not meeting the needs of all parties. For some, it may seem to be time to move on, regardless of the cost.

Emotion and good business judgment rarely make good bed partners. As the years go by and relationships mature, the need for stimulus and growth are ever changing. What was acceptable at an earlier time may no longer be so. What was not appreciated in the past may now be considered a significant asset. What seemed to be so very black and white now has definite shades of gray.

A number of years ago, I listened to a caller who phoned a popular talk show to discuss a concern she had in her marriage. For twenty years she had washed, ironed, and hung her husband’s dress shirts in his closet. When her husband dressed in the morning, he would determine if the shirt had been pressed to his satisfaction. For twenty years, if they had not met his standards, he promptly returned them to the laundry to be washed and pressed “correctly.” After twenty years of his insensitive behavior, this poor woman was now at the boiling point. She was looking for comfort and validation from a guest on the show.

I can certainly sympathize with her frustration. In fact, I remember wanting to shout, “Tell the guy to iron the shirts himself!” The response from the show’s guest, however, was not what the frustrated caller expected. The guest asked her how she could place sole blame on her husband for behavior that she had consistently reinforced through acceptance for twenty years?

A business associate of mine recently confided that he was prepared to leave his job. I knew that he was very well thought of by his employer and, in fact, had been consistently rewarded for his growth and success over the years. While he once enjoyed his position, he now felt trapped by circumstances that he had reinforced through participation and acceptance for a number of years. He was ready to walk.

Exactly what had taken him to this point? And what set of circumstances would recapture an environment of success for both himself and his employer? I suggested that he take the weekend, get away, and define what it would it take for him to buy back into what had once been an acceptable and fulfilling working relationship.

By creating a best-case scenario, or success formula, you have established a platform from which to proceed. The effort should objectively clarify and define your concerns. You may even find that your concerns are emotional in nature and have no conflict with strong business principals. Ultimately, you have created a document of needs to continue the relationship. It is now time to schedule a meeting with your employer.

In your meeting, discuss your appreciation for a relationship that has been mutually beneficial over a period of years. Explain that you no longer feel the same sense of benefit by continuing the relationship under current circumstances. Express your understanding, that your needs and observations are only one factor in the overall structure and decision-making process for the company. Proceed with your presentation, focusing on areas that, from your perspective, will create a workable success formula for all parties.

For this discussion to carry any meaning, all parties must understand that this conversation will lead to mutually acceptable solutions, or the relationship can no longer exist. Fairness in your presentation is essential. Your intent is not to point fingers or hold your employer hostage.

Neither box your manager nor employer into a corner. State your thoughts in a very positive manner and give them every opportunity to take a day or two to reflect and respond. In closing, reference your commitment to a positive resolution and your appreciation for their time and full consideration. Let them know you fully understand that this discussion may not lead to a resolution of your concerns. Sincerely state your appreciation for their desire to discuss your thoughts, and suggest your willingness to assist in their transition should your discussions not work toward a continued relationship.

So, what are your chances of a positive result? 100%! Yes, in every instance you will be pleased for having gone through the process. You may have only confirmed your concerns, and verified your desire to look further. Better yet, your concerns may be understood and accepted by the other party, and their willingness to meet your needs may become very obvious. You will never fully understand your value until this effort is made.

Certainly, you could have bailed, packing your bag with no comment. Is there any lasting satisfaction in this approach? At the very least, creating a success formula shows respect for the work you have accomplished and suggests that every effort has been made to proceed in a positive role. You will also be amazed at how often your success formula is compatible with the success formula of your organization.

What have you got to lose? If you are prepared to move on, then take this final opportunity to create a working environment that can best take advantage of your individual strengths. Why do so few ask the question? The obvious reason is their own acceptance of mutual accountability. How can they now demand change, when for years they had shown support and acceptance? If a new approach is needed for you, it’s likely true for your employer as well. Bury the past for all parties and objectively develop your success formula.

A success formula can be equally effective in many other aspects of business. A friend was recently offered employment with a new company. He was anguishing over certain perceived aspects of the position. As an alternative to simply turning down the offer, he decided to meet further with this company and address his concerns. He explained his need to participate in an environment that would be conducive to their mutual success. He explained circumstances that had been counter-productive in the past, and shared alternatives that had best suited all parties.

You absolutely cannot lose with this approach. Creating the opportunity to address your needs and concerns will only define and clarify the value of the position. My friend not only accepted the position, he also established on going criteria , created an environment for success and also reinforced greater confidence and independence relating to his position. Remember, it is much easier to negotiate in the early stages of a relationship than it will ever be at a later time!

Several months ago, I had a conversation with a customer whose behavior had been totally unacceptable in dealings with our representatives. In addition to being verbally abusive, his expectations were unreasonable and completely self-serving. I called and objectively explained my concerns, stating my desire to maintain the relationship if certain changes could be made. His total lack of understanding regarding my concerns made it obvious that there would be no relationship to save. From his perspective, there was no problem.

In this rare instance, I thanked him for his previous business and suggested that he pursue future business with one of our competitors. I could no longer be a party to the reinforcement of his negative behavior, and absolutely would not expect our representatives to call on this customer. Change for this individual may be possible. If enough vendors share their concerns, he will have no choice.

There is a price to pay in all aspects of business. How many are willing to step up, accept some responsibility, and address the need to promote and implement a success formula? How many more would prefer the easy way out and simply bail? Without conveying our perspectives, we are showing acceptance for less-than-acceptable behavior.

This effort is never guaranteed to meet all of our objectives. As compared to no effort whatsoever, is there a much greater likelihood of success? Out of simple respect, do you owe it to yourself and those with whom you have worked, to save this mutual investment before it’s too late? Without question, yes.

Personal Regards,
Keenan

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